Episode 248 – How to Have Sex With Monkeypox


Joe Biden did his best impression of his poll numbers over the weekend, while Kamala Harris secretly relaunched the ministry of truthiness. Peter Doocy and Karine Jean-Pierre spar over the stock market, and the CDC puts out guidance on how to have sex with monkeypox!

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Episode Transcript

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This episode transcript is auto-generated and a provided as a service to the hearing impaired. We apologize for any errors or inaccuracies.
FULL TRANSCRIPT TEXT

0:02
[Music]
0:02
[Applause]
0:08
[Music]
0:10
[Applause]
0:14
[Music]
0:20
and now matt wright and
0:22
spike cohen
0:25
good morning good afternoon or good
0:27
evening and welcome to the vanguard
0:31
for spike machine gun cohen i am matt
0:35
wright and together we are traversing
0:37
the muddied waters of
0:39
freedom
0:40
it’s almost as though we’ve run out of
0:42
rappers yeah well i mean he’s not even a
0:45
rapper anymore oh
0:47
no he does alternative
0:49
rock
0:50
uh there you go yeah first and foremost
0:52
allow me to thank cava kevin
0:55
for the cava that i am drinking on this
0:58
week’s episodes and allow me to thank
1:00
desani
1:01
i think this is the first time i’ve ever
1:03
oh thank this honey huh oh
1:06
is this new
1:07
yeah
1:09
i’d like to thank bucky’s for having
1:11
this dasani near the cash register on
1:14
the way home bulovanaka full of anakin
1:16
yeah thanking boxing water’s supposed to
1:18
make it
1:19
it’s not supposed to fizz when you open
1:21
it
1:24
it’s like the worst water coke’s gonna
1:26
sue us so hard for this um
1:30
we’re allowed to say that we don’t like
1:32
dasani
1:34
it tastes okay
1:38
yeah never i’ve never had water that has
1:42
38 grams of sugar per serving that’s not
1:44
true i just that’s not true it’s got
1:47
like 14 grams of sodium
1:50
yes be sure to share us uh follow us
1:53
like us subscribe to us all the things
1:55
that we usually have you do however you
1:57
are listening to or watching this and if
1:59
it is on facebook
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2:04
sure to hit the bell i want your phone
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to explode with notifications every
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single time
2:08
we
2:09
go
2:10
live
2:11
you know what else will make you explode
2:13
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2:15
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if you woke up today and said matt spike
2:25
i am sick
2:27
of drinking coffee
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i get nothing from it except well what
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you get from drinking coffee but i don’t
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want it anymore i’m sick of it i’d
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rather have something that tastes almost
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as good has almost as much caffeine and
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and mushrooms turmeric sea salt cinnamon
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and little root literally nothing else
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well i have some fantastic news for you
2:58
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3:00
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mud water today how does it taste
3:06
you’re not going to believe it
3:08
matt
3:10
we highly recommend adding honey
3:13
joe biden
3:15
mandarin chief the president of
3:18
uh
3:19
this great american of america yeah this
3:22
great nation uh he did his absolute best
3:26
impression
3:27
of his poll numbers this week
3:29
um
3:31
so
3:32
tune in for there it is
3:36
[Applause]
3:39
[Music]
3:42
oh god
3:43
i hadn’t actually watched that yet wow
3:45
he really
3:47
and then he followed it up and did an
3:49
impression of the stock market
3:53
[Applause]
3:56
[Music]
4:02
and then he did an impression of the
4:03
economy
4:06
[Applause]
4:09
[Music]
4:13
and then he followed it up by doing an
4:14
impression of the democrats chances of
4:16
winning in november
4:20
[Applause]
4:23
[Music]
4:27
it’s pretty dedicated for him to fall
4:30
that many times
4:31
just to get a point across
4:34
i
4:36
so when i heard that joe biden fell on a
4:38
bike i laughed
4:40
um but then i was like well i shouldn’t
4:42
laugh because you know he’s
4:45
900 years old
4:47
uh very old yeah and that could
4:50
potentially kill him just because like
4:53
because of his age like you break a hip
4:55
and then next thing you know like
4:57
three months later in hospice he’s down
4:59
because he just couldn’t heal
5:01
and then i watched the video and i saw
5:04
how it happened it wasn’t whilst
5:06
writing it was when he stopped
5:10
and his foot was first after he stopped
5:12
he was already stopped his foot was
5:15
planted on the ground
5:18
he was already
5:20
standing on a bike like you and on a
5:22
bike usually like standing on a bike it
5:23
gives you even that much more support he
5:25
had three points
5:27
he had three points of contact with the
5:30
ground
5:31
and then he just
5:32
slowly he just fell he just
5:36
just oh
5:38
and it was like a tree like it wasn’t
5:40
like oh it was like
5:43
like that that’s uh he literally became
5:46
the bike meme
5:48
in that moment except without the stick
5:51
yeah i was gonna say this is even worse
5:53
because the bike meme the guy does it to
5:54
himself and it goes dim putin or
5:56
whatever that thing is uh this he like
5:59
stops
6:00
has someone not made that meme yet where
6:03
the person stops and then falls over so
6:06
i made the meme
6:07
and you need him where it stops but he
6:09
but when he’s stopping he puts the stick
6:12
in and i’m not good enough on photo so i
6:14
just left all of it in there and
6:16
he said i’m like the first thing he said
6:18
was i’m good so i just had his face
6:21
his face on the first frame in the last
6:23
frame and then on the last frame she
6:25
said i’m good
6:27
okay well close enough yeah close enough
6:30
speaking of someone who
6:32
does the equivalent of that with her
6:35
words every day vice president kamala
6:38
harris on thursday launched a new
6:40
national task force aimed at helping to
6:43
prevent and address online harassment
6:45
and abuse
6:47
ahead of the meeting
6:48
joe biden the man who
6:51
he can ride a bike real well
6:53
it’s the stopping that he’s not great at
6:56
um as long as it keeps going as long as
6:59
that sucker keeps going he’s good he’s
7:01
like a shark like that
7:03
he’s
7:04
he’s gonna stay alive as long as he’s
7:05
moving forward
7:09
signed a memorandum establishing the
7:11
initiative uh the white house task force
7:13
to address online harassment and abuse
7:16
obviously
7:18
this was brought on
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by the great outlaw
7:24
by cohen
7:25
wow i’m glad they used that photo
7:27
because i don’t even have that tie
7:28
anymore i searched real hard for a photo
7:30
i knew you didn’t like for that one
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because they’re never hard to find them
7:35
i never believe you didn’t use the
7:37
my dink photo of the uh if the first
7:40
photo that comes up when you google
7:42
spike cohen
7:44
which one was that of me like wearing
7:46
this checkered shirt and like holding a
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mic and i’m like oh yeah no that one was
7:51
too flattering um
7:53
wow okay
7:55
i went with one that multiple people
7:57
have told me you hate
8:01
because one is definitely one i hate
8:02
yeah because wanted posters are never
8:04
flattering for the person i really
8:06
wanted to find
8:09
an older photo of you
8:12
from like the 90s
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um
8:15
that i have somewhere on my computer but
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i decided not to
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uh
8:22
but this was brought on uh due to
8:25
multiple requests from the uvalde police
8:27
department who are tired of being
8:29
bullied online by people calling them
8:31
cowards
8:33
that’s fair
8:35
seriously though uh under the guise of
8:37
protecting this is
8:38
being brought on under the guise of
8:40
protecting women from sexual harassment
8:43
and the lgbtq command community um and
8:47
they are just sneaking in
8:49
as part of this the banning of
8:53
this information
8:56
yeah so it’s a got a fact sheet uh on
8:58
the online harassment task force that
9:00
makes two references to disinformation
9:03
suggesting that it falls under the broad
9:05
category of online abuse which is not i
9:08
mean
9:09
no
9:10
the whole point is
9:12
this would be to stop bullying not
9:14
saying things people disagree with
9:16
uh
9:18
and it explicitly posits that the
9:20
government should come up with
9:22
strategies to combat it
9:25
the government
9:27
is going to be combating the main source
9:30
of disinformation
9:31
now and
9:32
so this is just this is the
9:34
disinformation board just rebranded
9:38
with uh
9:39
without
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i already forgot that woman’s name
9:44
jankowitz
9:46
oh i don’t think i ever even knew her
9:48
name i i knew she had a really cringy
9:50
tick tock yeah
9:52
uh
9:53
that’s what this is it’s just she is not
9:55
involved in it this is now something
9:56
that the federal government’s doing
9:58
without her like it is the exact same
10:00
thing but they’re doing it under the
10:02
guise of we’re doing it to protect women
10:04
and lgbtq plus community um that is a
10:08
hundred percent what this is and this is
10:10
going to end the same way that the other
10:12
one was going to end um
10:15
with more voices being silenced more
10:16
people being kicked off social media
10:18
less people less opinions being heard
10:20
and it’s just going
10:23
it’s going to be the failure that
10:24
everybody knew that the ministry of
10:27
truthiness was going to be
10:30
yeah and and a perfect example of the
10:33
kind of abuse and bullying that they’re
10:36
trying to stop is what peter doocy does
10:38
to corrine jean-pierre uh pretty much
10:41
every day every weekday now yeah uh they
10:43
went at it again uh this time over the
10:46
stock market
10:47
and uh
10:48
the look on uh ms jean-pierre’s face
10:52
uh when she calls on him is uh it’s
10:54
priceless yeah 100 i wasn’t gonna
10:56
include the question because it doesn’t
11:01
the question doesn’t matter that much
11:03
but in order to
11:06
it was really the look on her face that
11:08
made me want to include
11:10
the question because you just see the
11:13
sadness in her eyes as she says
11:16
you
11:18
yeah thanks green president
11:21
once ranked about the stock market
11:22
hitting record after record after record
11:25
on my watch i’m out now
11:28
meeting the stock market
11:30
all the gains from president biden’s
11:33
time in office have been wiped out
11:36
so
11:36
as you know we’re watching we’re
11:38
watching closely uh we know families are
11:41
concerned about inflation in the stock
11:43
market uh that is something that the
11:45
president is is really aware of and so
11:47
look we’ve faced global challenges we’ve
11:49
talked about this uh this is we’re not
11:51
the only country dealing
11:53
with what we’re seeing at the moment as
11:55
it relates to inflation you know putin
11:57
putin’s price hike inflation uh coming
12:00
coming uh out of a once-in-a-generation
12:02
uh global pandemic all of those things
12:05
play a factor and uh you know but the
12:08
thing the way that we see this is that
12:10
the american people are well positioned
12:12
uh to face these challenges because of
12:14
the economic historic uh gains that we
12:17
have made uh under this president under
12:20
this president in the last 16 months
12:21
okay so as you say that americans are
12:23
well positioned to weather this stock
12:25
market decline
12:27
what is the president’s message to
12:29
somebody who might want to retire but
12:31
their 401k is getting wiped out
12:34
so we know we know that that higher
12:36
prices are having those effect on
12:37
people’s lives we get that and we are
12:40
incredibly focused on doing everything
12:42
that we can to make sure that the
12:43
economy is working for every american
12:46
people right we are coming out of the
12:48
strongest job market in american history
12:51
and that matters and that a lot of that
12:52
is thanks to the american rescue plan
12:54
which only democrats uh voted for that
12:57
republicans did not and
12:59
we know that
13:01
economic boom the historic economic boom
13:03
that we’re seeing with
13:08
that is not that is that is that is not
13:10
uh that is not how we’re seeing the
13:12
american rescue plan
13:14
look the president came in we have to
13:16
remember what the president walked into
13:18
when he walked into this administration
13:21
the economy was at a standstill schools
13:23
were closed businesses were shutting
13:25
down
13:26
20 million people
13:27
were on unemployment uh insurance
13:30
benefits that is what he walked into and
13:32
he took action
13:34
he got the american rescue
13:36
democrats only democrats voted for it
13:39
and it helped turn the economy around
13:41
including getting more than 200 million
13:43
people vaccinated having a
13:46
comprehensive
13:51
that is not how they are choosing to see
13:55
the american
13:56
rescue plan
13:58
they have made a choice
14:00
and it’s not that it’s not that it’s
14:03
what she said it’s what and i like how
14:05
he was asking about the economy
14:08
and she transitioned
14:11
not so seamlessly
14:13
um
14:16
there was a seam there was definitely a
14:17
seam
14:18
uh from
14:20
the american rescue plan we’re not
14:22
looking at it we’re not looking at the
14:24
american rescue plan uh brought on
14:27
brought on uh this
14:29
historic inflation uh and
14:33
vaccines
14:37
200 million people have been vaccinated
14:39
vaccinated
14:40
i almost just said vaccined
14:42
i mean speak you’re screamed vaccined
14:45
that’s well she’s french so that’s how
14:46
they right
14:48
they’ve been a vaccine
14:50
i mean i i understand speaking your
14:52
truth
14:53
but as much as one of our dogs acts like
14:56
a cat
14:57
doesn’t mean she’s a cat and uh oh
15:01
careful
15:03
oh i see how that could be misconstrued
15:05
there
15:07
anyway the cdc is coming up with
15:08
guidelines for having sex
15:12
with monkey pox
15:14
wait what wait wait wait wait wait wait
15:16
wait
15:17
wait
15:18
no go ahead and pull it up no what the
15:21
hell was that
15:22
okay
15:26
is that real yes
15:29
yes this is this is a hundred percent
15:31
real the cdc has come up with these
15:33
guidelines for having sex
15:34
uh why does he look so sad well i mean
15:37
he has monkey pox but
15:39
so he’s you can’t see it here because i
15:41
wanted to put the
15:43
the wording yeah the wording but he’s
15:45
covering his rash with a band-aid or
15:48
makeup or something um
15:51
so if you or your partner have or think
15:54
you might have monkey box and decide to
15:56
have sex according to the cdc consider
15:59
the following to reduce the chance of
16:01
spreading the virus have virtual sex
16:04
with no in-person contact
16:07
yeah that should really be that’s really
16:08
it that’s it if you have monkey pox stay
16:11
home
16:13
masturbate together at a distance of at
16:15
least six feet without touching each
16:18
other
16:19
you have monkey pox
16:22
consider having sex with your clothes on
16:27
you have monkey pocks
16:29
also how do you have sex with your
16:30
clothes on
16:33
well you just well i mean you know
16:36
you got the just the
16:38
the business part out but
16:40
again monkey pox look they’re cuddling
16:43
why would you cuddle with monkeys
16:48
avoid kissing you know i don’t think
16:49
this is smart at all
16:51
avoid kissing like hookers
16:57
stay home and keep your monkey pox to
16:59
yourself this came from the cdc that
17:02
told us that we couldn’t venture outside
17:04
and go to the beach because of covid
17:08
remember to wash your hands
17:10
fetish gear sex toys and any fabrics
17:14
after having sex
17:16
oh you’re that’s not a joke you made up
17:18
it literally says fetish gear it does
17:21
yes
17:23
limit your number of partners to avoid
17:25
opportunities for monkey pucks to spread
17:28
limited to zero you have monkey put that
17:32
back up just put it back up
17:37
limit
17:38
your number of parts who
17:40
can you imagine
17:43
being
17:44
literally having actual monkey pox and
17:47
thinking to yourself man
17:49
i gotta work through this dm list
17:52
[Laughter]
17:58
i am flabbergasted right now
18:01
when i first don’t even there’s nothing
18:03
funny you could like
18:05
no there is nothing there is quite
18:07
legitimately nothing that we could say
18:09
could make this funnier
18:12
than this already is
18:14
wash your fetish gear
18:21
i mean far be it from me to king shame
18:24
but maybe
18:26
don’t have sex while uh well
18:28
i gotta look hold on a second i’m
18:30
looking this uh monkey pox
18:32
how long does monkey pox
18:36
last
18:38
two to four just stay away from people
18:40
for two to four weeks don’t have sex for
18:43
two weeks
18:44
and you know what if you want to have
18:45
virtual sex with no in-person contact
18:48
okay then that’s fine
18:51
how is it that we’re being more cautious
18:53
than the cdc
18:57
the cdc who told us
18:59
that we couldn’t go on tender dates or
19:02
like if you were dating somebody that
19:03
didn’t live in your household you
19:04
weren’t going to be able to see them for
19:06
who knows how long but with monkey pox
19:08
they’re like hey you know what
19:11
wear clothes
19:12
sit in the same room and masturbate
19:15
they told people not to go on the beach
19:20
it
19:22
i okay and i realize monkey pox doesn’t
19:25
spread as easily as covet especially the
19:27
newer versions right like i get that
19:28
i’ve now on my second side well i passed
19:32
my second covet infection
19:36
wash your fetish gear
19:40
why don’t you just stay your fast ass
19:42
home
19:43
and let it calm down a bit
19:46
that guy you see how he was like
19:48
like that he should be sad he should be
19:51
sad he should feel
19:53
bad about the fact that his primary
19:55
concern
19:57
was having sex while monkey poxed
20:02
a monkey pox
20:03
on your house
20:05
a monkey pox upon your fetish gear put
20:08
on your fetish gear in your bed
20:10
i thought that was a joke when you said
20:12
fetish gear no
20:14
that was copy and paste into the notes
20:18
i don’t even know i i don’t again
20:20
there’s there is absolutely
20:24
nothing
20:27
i could say to make that any funnier
20:28
than the cdc already did and truly
20:31
there is no segway
20:35
that could bring us to this
20:37
but no
20:40
have you heard this story
20:42
yeah
20:45
i only put it in because it was my
20:46
favorite story of the of the year
20:49
um
20:50
and
20:53
the most vengeful creature
20:55
in the world is not somebody you gave
20:57
monkey pox to unexpectedly
21:00
that we know of that we know of
21:03
we may know the origin of the story
21:07
oh my god
21:10
the most vengeful creature in the
21:13
known universe
21:15
is an elephant in india
21:18
seven-year-old maya murmu had been
21:19
fetching water in odisha’s
21:21
meyerbange district in india when she
21:24
was attacked by an elephant
21:26
the elephant had reportedly wandered off
21:29
from its home in the dalma wildlife
21:31
sanctuary before encountering
21:34
maya
21:36
he trampled her
21:37
so everybody knows
21:40
chased her and trampled her
21:42
i watched a lot of elephant trample
21:44
videos after this to see
21:46
how hard it would be to get away from it
21:48
apparently very
21:49
um despite being rushed to the hospital
21:51
after the attack
21:53
uh maya died from her injuries you
21:56
thought because you thought what if this
21:58
happens to me
22:00
in florida
22:02
no i just was like why didn’t she run
22:04
away and i was like well how hard is it
22:05
to get like how fast
22:07
oh
22:08
okay i thought you did what i would do
22:10
which is calculate my risk moving on
22:13
no i was not worried about elephants
22:16
trampling me here in florida i was
22:18
waiting
22:20
how hard is it to get away from an
22:22
elephant because i don’t picture them
22:23
being you know
22:24
nimble
22:26
no they are they’re fast they’re yeah
22:28
they’re they and they are yeah i watched
22:29
a lot of videos of this um
22:32
so
22:33
she ended up passing away from these
22:34
injuries and her family fitting with the
22:36
morning rituals in india had her laid on
22:39
a pyre to deliver her last rites
22:42
that’s when the son of a [ __ ] elephant
22:44
came back
22:46
with his trunk reaches out and
22:49
rips her from the pyre and tossed her
22:52
body asunder
22:54
and trampled it all over again in front
22:57
of her morning family
23:00
just because he
23:03
could
23:04
okay
23:05
then
23:07
the angry elephant
23:09
along with a herd of his friends
23:12
tore through the village and destroyed
23:14
everything in its path
23:17
i don’t know what maya did i mean maybe
23:19
we know what maya did
23:21
possibly
23:25
but someone forgot to wash their fetish
23:27
gear right
23:29
the elephant wax goes a long way in
23:31
india um
23:33
wow yeah
23:35
i don’t know what maya did to this
23:38
elephant but uh i
23:41
what i do know
23:43
is that
23:45
there is no vengeance
23:47
like a elephant scorned
23:52
that’s fair
23:54
i will venture to guess i’m gonna go out
23:55
on a limb and say that whatever she did
23:57
to this elephant
24:01
he escalated it a bit
24:04
[Music]
24:08
by killing her
24:10
and then
24:12
like desecrating her body desecrating
24:15
her her pyre her pi in her body and her
24:18
body and then destroying the village i
24:21
just i feel like
24:23
there was an escalator i don’t know what
24:24
a 70 year old woman did to an elephant
24:28
but they never forget
24:30
it may have been something that’s what
24:31
i’m saying yeah it may have been
24:32
something that she yeah elephant was
24:34
little
24:35
yeah she she was just a child
24:38
and he was like
24:40
there’s that [ __ ]
24:42
yep i remember that’s maya murmur right
24:51
he trampled her and then he was like
24:53
that wasn’t enough
24:54
no
24:55
she deserves more
24:58
she died too quickly she did
25:01
i want to make her he wanted her to get
25:02
away from the first trampoline like
25:05
hobble away and then he’d find her again
25:07
and
25:08
like that and and do that
25:10
and instead she just i mean she’s 70.
25:13
she wasn’t quite as robust as he
25:15
expected
25:16
and he’s like well damn
25:18
now what
25:19
well
25:20
we have the answer to that
25:24
you destroyed a village
25:26
us foreign policy right this this
25:29
feels like it’s a there’s an analogy
25:31
here for something going on but i i
25:35
couldn’t tell you couldn’t tell you what
25:37
yeah
25:38
yeah
25:39
this peaceful woman just gets destroyed
25:42
by a large elephant
25:44
well if the elephant is the republican
25:46
party
25:48
and the 70 year old woman
25:51
is the legacy of ruth bader ginsburg did
25:54
you think of that wow
25:57
wow
25:58
and now
26:00
they’re destroying her village which is
26:04
you’re not going to believe what it is
26:05
we’re going to tell you on the next
26:06
episode tomorrow thursday at 8 pm uh
26:09
we’re we’re not going to be telling you
26:10
that way i don’t know where we were
26:12
going to promptly forget that but
26:15
we’ll be doing all sorts of fun stuff uh
26:17
with the next episode uh wait till you
26:20
find out what’s happening we are so
26:22
excited and uh don’t forget
26:24
uh not only are we doing an episode uh
26:26
every usually every tuesday and
26:28
wednesday but this week it’s every it
26:29
was wednesday and thursday but then we
26:31
also do a special weekend episode for
26:34
subscribers only and you
26:36
can become a subscriber by going to
26:38
anchor dot fm slash muddy waters slash
26:42
subscribe and becoming a subscriber to
26:44
the muddied family of mud people
26:48
for only ten dollars a month you get
26:49
access to weekly
26:51
exclusive members only content and you
26:54
also get access to a
26:57
ad free viewing experience viewing and
27:00
listening experience on anchor and
27:02
spotify
27:03
and then you also get a discount at the
27:05
muddy water store which is at
27:07
muddywatersmedia.com
27:09
and uh yeah so go do that and uh we will
27:12
see you tomorrow at 8 pm and where we’re
27:15
going
27:16
we don’t need roads
27:25
[Music]
27:42
you


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