Episode 248 – How to Have Sex With Monkeypox

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[Music]
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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and now matt wright and
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spike cohen
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good morning good afternoon or good
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evening and welcome to the vanguard
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for spike machine gun cohen i am matt
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wright and together we are traversing
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the muddied waters of
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freedom
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it’s almost as though we’ve run out of
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rappers yeah well i mean he’s not even a
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rapper anymore oh
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no he does alternative
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rock
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uh there you go yeah first and foremost
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allow me to thank cava kevin
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for the cava that i am drinking on this
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week’s episodes and allow me to thank
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desani
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i think this is the first time i’ve ever
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oh thank this honey huh oh
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is this new
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yeah
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i’d like to thank bucky’s for having
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this dasani near the cash register on
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the way home bulovanaka full of anakin
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yeah thanking boxing water’s supposed to
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make it
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it’s not supposed to fizz when you open
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it
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it’s like the worst water coke’s gonna
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sue us so hard for this um
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we’re allowed to say that we don’t like
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dasani
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it tastes okay
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yeah never i’ve never had water that has
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38 grams of sugar per serving that’s not
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true i just that’s not true it’s got
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like 14 grams of sodium
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yes be sure to share us uh follow us
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like us subscribe to us all the things
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are listening to or watching this and if
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sure to hit the bell i want your phone
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our next sponsor
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if you woke up today and said matt spike
2:25
i am sick
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of drinking coffee
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i get nothing from it except well what
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you get from drinking coffee but i don’t
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want it anymore i’m sick of it i’d
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rather have something that tastes almost
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as good has almost as much caffeine and
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is way better for you something that has
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oh i don’t know
2:44
masala
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chai i think it’s chai
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and mushrooms turmeric sea salt cinnamon
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and little root literally nothing else
2:56
well i have some fantastic news for you
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if you go to the moneywatersfreedom.com
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slash mud you can get a starter pack of
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mud water today how does it taste
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you’re not going to believe it
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matt
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we highly recommend adding honey
3:13
joe biden
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mandarin chief the president of
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uh
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this great american of america yeah this
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great nation uh he did his absolute best
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impression
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of his poll numbers this week
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um
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so
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tune in for there it is
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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oh god
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i hadn’t actually watched that yet wow
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he really
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and then he followed it up and did an
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impression of the stock market
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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and then he did an impression of the
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economy
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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and then he followed it up by doing an
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impression of the democrats chances of
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winning in november
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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it’s pretty dedicated for him to fall
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that many times
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just to get a point across
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i
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so when i heard that joe biden fell on a
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bike i laughed
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um but then i was like well i shouldn’t
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laugh because you know he’s
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900 years old
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uh very old yeah and that could
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potentially kill him just because like
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because of his age like you break a hip
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and then next thing you know like
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three months later in hospice he’s down
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because he just couldn’t heal
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and then i watched the video and i saw
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how it happened it wasn’t whilst
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writing it was when he stopped
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and his foot was first after he stopped
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he was already stopped his foot was
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planted on the ground
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he was already
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standing on a bike like you and on a
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bike usually like standing on a bike it
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gives you even that much more support he
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had three points
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he had three points of contact with the
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ground
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and then he just
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slowly he just fell he just
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just oh
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and it was like a tree like it wasn’t
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like oh it was like
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like that that’s uh he literally became
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the bike meme
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in that moment except without the stick
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yeah i was gonna say this is even worse
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because the bike meme the guy does it to
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himself and it goes dim putin or
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whatever that thing is uh this he like
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stops
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has someone not made that meme yet where
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the person stops and then falls over so
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i made the meme
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and you need him where it stops but he
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but when he’s stopping he puts the stick
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in and i’m not good enough on photo so i
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just left all of it in there and
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he said i’m like the first thing he said
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was i’m good so i just had his face
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his face on the first frame in the last
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frame and then on the last frame she
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said i’m good
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okay well close enough yeah close enough
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speaking of someone who
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does the equivalent of that with her
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words every day vice president kamala
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harris on thursday launched a new
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national task force aimed at helping to
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prevent and address online harassment
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and abuse
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ahead of the meeting
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joe biden the man who
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he can ride a bike real well
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it’s the stopping that he’s not great at
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um as long as it keeps going as long as
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that sucker keeps going he’s good he’s
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like a shark like that
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he’s
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he’s gonna stay alive as long as he’s
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moving forward
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signed a memorandum establishing the
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initiative uh the white house task force
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to address online harassment and abuse
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obviously
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this was brought on
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by the great outlaw
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by cohen
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wow i’m glad they used that photo
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because i don’t even have that tie
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anymore i searched real hard for a photo
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i knew you didn’t like for that one
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because they’re never hard to find them
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i never believe you didn’t use the
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my dink photo of the uh if the first
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photo that comes up when you google
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spike cohen
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which one was that of me like wearing
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this checkered shirt and like holding a
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mic and i’m like oh yeah no that one was
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too flattering um
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wow okay
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i went with one that multiple people
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have told me you hate
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because one is definitely one i hate
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yeah because wanted posters are never
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flattering for the person i really
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wanted to find
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an older photo of you
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from like the 90s
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um
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that i have somewhere on my computer but
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i decided not to
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uh
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but this was brought on uh due to
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multiple requests from the uvalde police
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department who are tired of being
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bullied online by people calling them
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cowards
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that’s fair
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seriously though uh under the guise of
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protecting this is
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being brought on under the guise of
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protecting women from sexual harassment
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and the lgbtq command community um and
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they are just sneaking in
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as part of this the banning of
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this information
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yeah so it’s a got a fact sheet uh on
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the online harassment task force that
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makes two references to disinformation
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suggesting that it falls under the broad
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category of online abuse which is not i
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mean
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no
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the whole point is
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this would be to stop bullying not
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saying things people disagree with
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uh
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and it explicitly posits that the
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government should come up with
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strategies to combat it
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the government
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is going to be combating the main source
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of disinformation
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now and
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so this is just this is the
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disinformation board just rebranded
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with uh
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without
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i already forgot that woman’s name
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jankowitz
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oh i don’t think i ever even knew her
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name i i knew she had a really cringy
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tick tock yeah
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uh
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that’s what this is it’s just she is not
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involved in it this is now something
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that the federal government’s doing
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without her like it is the exact same
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thing but they’re doing it under the
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guise of we’re doing it to protect women
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and lgbtq plus community um that is a
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hundred percent what this is and this is
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going to end the same way that the other
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one was going to end um
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with more voices being silenced more
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people being kicked off social media
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less people less opinions being heard
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and it’s just going
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it’s going to be the failure that
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everybody knew that the ministry of
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truthiness was going to be
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yeah and and a perfect example of the
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kind of abuse and bullying that they’re
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trying to stop is what peter doocy does
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to corrine jean-pierre uh pretty much
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every day every weekday now yeah uh they
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went at it again uh this time over the
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stock market
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and uh
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the look on uh ms jean-pierre’s face
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uh when she calls on him is uh it’s
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priceless yeah 100 i wasn’t gonna
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include the question because it doesn’t
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the question doesn’t matter that much
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but in order to
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it was really the look on her face that
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made me want to include
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the question because you just see the
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sadness in her eyes as she says
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you
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yeah thanks green president
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once ranked about the stock market
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hitting record after record after record
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on my watch i’m out now
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meeting the stock market
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all the gains from president biden’s
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time in office have been wiped out
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so
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as you know we’re watching we’re
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watching closely uh we know families are
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concerned about inflation in the stock
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market uh that is something that the
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president is is really aware of and so
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look we’ve faced global challenges we’ve
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talked about this uh this is we’re not
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the only country dealing
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with what we’re seeing at the moment as
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it relates to inflation you know putin
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putin’s price hike inflation uh coming
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coming uh out of a once-in-a-generation
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uh global pandemic all of those things
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play a factor and uh you know but the
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thing the way that we see this is that
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the american people are well positioned
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uh to face these challenges because of
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the economic historic uh gains that we
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have made uh under this president under
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this president in the last 16 months
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okay so as you say that americans are
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well positioned to weather this stock
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market decline
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what is the president’s message to
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somebody who might want to retire but
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their 401k is getting wiped out
12:34
so we know we know that that higher
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prices are having those effect on
12:37
people’s lives we get that and we are
12:40
incredibly focused on doing everything
12:42
that we can to make sure that the
12:43
economy is working for every american
12:46
people right we are coming out of the
12:48
strongest job market in american history
12:51
and that matters and that a lot of that
12:52
is thanks to the american rescue plan
12:54
which only democrats uh voted for that
12:57
republicans did not and
12:59
we know that
13:01
economic boom the historic economic boom
13:03
that we’re seeing with
13:08
that is not that is that is that is not
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uh that is not how we’re seeing the
13:12
american rescue plan
13:14
look the president came in we have to
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remember what the president walked into
13:18
when he walked into this administration
13:21
the economy was at a standstill schools
13:23
were closed businesses were shutting
13:25
down
13:26
20 million people
13:27
were on unemployment uh insurance
13:30
benefits that is what he walked into and
13:32
he took action
13:34
he got the american rescue
13:36
democrats only democrats voted for it
13:39
and it helped turn the economy around
13:41
including getting more than 200 million
13:43
people vaccinated having a
13:46
comprehensive
13:51
that is not how they are choosing to see
13:55
the american
13:56
rescue plan
13:58
they have made a choice
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and it’s not that it’s not that it’s
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what she said it’s what and i like how
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he was asking about the economy
14:08
and she transitioned
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not so seamlessly
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um
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there was a seam there was definitely a
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seam
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uh from
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the american rescue plan we’re not
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looking at it we’re not looking at the
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american rescue plan uh brought on
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brought on uh this
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historic inflation uh and
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vaccines
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200 million people have been vaccinated
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vaccinated
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i almost just said vaccined
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i mean speak you’re screamed vaccined
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that’s well she’s french so that’s how
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they right
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they’ve been a vaccine
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i mean i i understand speaking your
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truth
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but as much as one of our dogs acts like
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a cat
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doesn’t mean she’s a cat and uh oh
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careful
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oh i see how that could be misconstrued
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there
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anyway the cdc is coming up with
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guidelines for having sex
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with monkey pox
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wait what wait wait wait wait wait wait
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wait
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wait
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no go ahead and pull it up no what the
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hell was that
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okay
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is that real yes
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yes this is this is a hundred percent
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real the cdc has come up with these
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guidelines for having sex
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uh why does he look so sad well i mean
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he has monkey pox but
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so he’s you can’t see it here because i
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wanted to put the
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the wording yeah the wording but he’s
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covering his rash with a band-aid or
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makeup or something um
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so if you or your partner have or think
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you might have monkey box and decide to
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have sex according to the cdc consider
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the following to reduce the chance of
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spreading the virus have virtual sex
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with no in-person contact
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yeah that should really be that’s really
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it that’s it if you have monkey pox stay
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home
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masturbate together at a distance of at
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least six feet without touching each
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other
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you have monkey pox
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consider having sex with your clothes on
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you have monkey pocks
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also how do you have sex with your
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clothes on
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well you just well i mean you know
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you got the just the
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the business part out but
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again monkey pox look they’re cuddling
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why would you cuddle with monkeys
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avoid kissing you know i don’t think
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this is smart at all
16:51
avoid kissing like hookers
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stay home and keep your monkey pox to
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yourself this came from the cdc that
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told us that we couldn’t venture outside
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and go to the beach because of covid
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remember to wash your hands
17:10
fetish gear sex toys and any fabrics
17:14
after having sex
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oh you’re that’s not a joke you made up
17:18
it literally says fetish gear it does
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yes
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limit your number of partners to avoid
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opportunities for monkey pucks to spread
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limited to zero you have monkey put that
17:32
back up just put it back up
17:37
limit
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your number of parts who
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can you imagine
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being
17:44
literally having actual monkey pox and
17:47
thinking to yourself man
17:49
i gotta work through this dm list
17:52
[Laughter]
17:58
i am flabbergasted right now
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when i first don’t even there’s nothing
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funny you could like
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no there is nothing there is quite
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legitimately nothing that we could say
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could make this funnier
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than this already is
18:14
wash your fetish gear
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i mean far be it from me to king shame
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but maybe
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don’t have sex while uh well
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i gotta look hold on a second i’m
18:30
looking this uh monkey pox
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how long does monkey pox
18:36
last
18:38
two to four just stay away from people
18:40
for two to four weeks don’t have sex for
18:43
two weeks
18:44
and you know what if you want to have
18:45
virtual sex with no in-person contact
18:48
okay then that’s fine
18:51
how is it that we’re being more cautious
18:53
than the cdc
18:57
the cdc who told us
18:59
that we couldn’t go on tender dates or
19:02
like if you were dating somebody that
19:03
didn’t live in your household you
19:04
weren’t going to be able to see them for
19:06
who knows how long but with monkey pox
19:08
they’re like hey you know what
19:11
wear clothes
19:12
sit in the same room and masturbate
19:15
they told people not to go on the beach
19:20
it
19:22
i okay and i realize monkey pox doesn’t
19:25
spread as easily as covet especially the
19:27
newer versions right like i get that
19:28
i’ve now on my second side well i passed
19:32
my second covet infection
19:36
wash your fetish gear
19:40
why don’t you just stay your fast ass
19:42
home
19:43
and let it calm down a bit
19:46
that guy you see how he was like
19:48
like that he should be sad he should be
19:51
sad he should feel
19:53
bad about the fact that his primary
19:55
concern
19:57
was having sex while monkey poxed
20:02
a monkey pox
20:03
on your house
20:05
a monkey pox upon your fetish gear put
20:08
on your fetish gear in your bed
20:10
i thought that was a joke when you said
20:12
fetish gear no
20:14
that was copy and paste into the notes
20:18
i don’t even know i i don’t again
20:20
there’s there is absolutely
20:24
nothing
20:27
i could say to make that any funnier
20:28
than the cdc already did and truly
20:31
there is no segway
20:35
that could bring us to this
20:37
but no
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have you heard this story
20:42
yeah
20:45
i only put it in because it was my
20:46
favorite story of the of the year
20:49
um
20:50
and
20:53
the most vengeful creature
20:55
in the world is not somebody you gave
20:57
monkey pox to unexpectedly
21:00
that we know of that we know of
21:03
we may know the origin of the story
21:07
oh my god
21:10
the most vengeful creature in the
21:13
known universe
21:15
is an elephant in india
21:18
seven-year-old maya murmu had been
21:19
fetching water in odisha’s
21:21
meyerbange district in india when she
21:24
was attacked by an elephant
21:26
the elephant had reportedly wandered off
21:29
from its home in the dalma wildlife
21:31
sanctuary before encountering
21:34
maya
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he trampled her
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so everybody knows
21:40
chased her and trampled her
21:42
i watched a lot of elephant trample
21:44
videos after this to see
21:46
how hard it would be to get away from it
21:48
apparently very
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um despite being rushed to the hospital
21:51
after the attack
21:53
uh maya died from her injuries you
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thought because you thought what if this
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happens to me
22:00
in florida
22:02
no i just was like why didn’t she run
22:04
away and i was like well how hard is it
22:05
to get like how fast
22:07
oh
22:08
okay i thought you did what i would do
22:10
which is calculate my risk moving on
22:13
no i was not worried about elephants
22:16
trampling me here in florida i was
22:18
waiting
22:20
how hard is it to get away from an
22:22
elephant because i don’t picture them
22:23
being you know
22:24
nimble
22:26
no they are they’re fast they’re yeah
22:28
they’re they and they are yeah i watched
22:29
a lot of videos of this um
22:32
so
22:33
she ended up passing away from these
22:34
injuries and her family fitting with the
22:36
morning rituals in india had her laid on
22:39
a pyre to deliver her last rites
22:42
that’s when the son of a [ __ ] elephant
22:44
came back
22:46
with his trunk reaches out and
22:49
rips her from the pyre and tossed her
22:52
body asunder
22:54
and trampled it all over again in front
22:57
of her morning family
23:00
just because he
23:03
could
23:04
okay
23:05
then
23:07
the angry elephant
23:09
along with a herd of his friends
23:12
tore through the village and destroyed
23:14
everything in its path
23:17
i don’t know what maya did i mean maybe
23:19
we know what maya did
23:21
possibly
23:25
but someone forgot to wash their fetish
23:27
gear right
23:29
the elephant wax goes a long way in
23:31
india um
23:33
wow yeah
23:35
i don’t know what maya did to this
23:38
elephant but uh i
23:41
what i do know
23:43
is that
23:45
there is no vengeance
23:47
like a elephant scorned
23:52
that’s fair
23:54
i will venture to guess i’m gonna go out
23:55
on a limb and say that whatever she did
23:57
to this elephant
24:01
he escalated it a bit
24:04
[Music]
24:08
by killing her
24:10
and then
24:12
like desecrating her body desecrating
24:15
her her pyre her pi in her body and her
24:18
body and then destroying the village i
24:21
just i feel like
24:23
there was an escalator i don’t know what
24:24
a 70 year old woman did to an elephant
24:28
but they never forget
24:30
it may have been something that’s what
24:31
i’m saying yeah it may have been
24:32
something that she yeah elephant was
24:34
little
24:35
yeah she she was just a child
24:38
and he was like
24:40
there’s that [ __ ]
24:42
yep i remember that’s maya murmur right
24:51
he trampled her and then he was like
24:53
that wasn’t enough
24:54
no
24:55
she deserves more
24:58
she died too quickly she did
25:01
i want to make her he wanted her to get
25:02
away from the first trampoline like
25:05
hobble away and then he’d find her again
25:07
and
25:08
like that and and do that
25:10
and instead she just i mean she’s 70.
25:13
she wasn’t quite as robust as he
25:15
expected
25:16
and he’s like well damn
25:18
now what
25:19
well
25:20
we have the answer to that
25:24
you destroyed a village
25:26
us foreign policy right this this
25:29
feels like it’s a there’s an analogy
25:31
here for something going on but i i
25:35
couldn’t tell you couldn’t tell you what
25:37
yeah
25:38
yeah
25:39
this peaceful woman just gets destroyed
25:42
by a large elephant
25:44
well if the elephant is the republican
25:46
party
25:48
and the 70 year old woman
25:51
is the legacy of ruth bader ginsburg did
25:54
you think of that wow
25:57
wow
25:58
and now
26:00
they’re destroying her village which is
26:04
you’re not going to believe what it is
26:05
we’re going to tell you on the next
26:06
episode tomorrow thursday at 8 pm uh
26:09
we’re we’re not going to be telling you
26:10
that way i don’t know where we were
26:12
going to promptly forget that but
26:15
we’ll be doing all sorts of fun stuff uh
26:17
with the next episode uh wait till you
26:20
find out what’s happening we are so
26:22
excited and uh don’t forget
26:24
uh not only are we doing an episode uh
26:26
every usually every tuesday and
26:28
wednesday but this week it’s every it
26:29
was wednesday and thursday but then we
26:31
also do a special weekend episode for
26:34
subscribers only and you
26:36
can become a subscriber by going to
26:38
anchor dot fm slash muddy waters slash
26:42
subscribe and becoming a subscriber to
26:44
the muddied family of mud people
26:48
for only ten dollars a month you get
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access to weekly
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exclusive members only content and you
26:54
also get access to a
26:57
ad free viewing experience viewing and
27:00
listening experience on anchor and
27:02
spotify
27:03
and then you also get a discount at the
27:05
muddy water store which is at
27:07
muddywatersmedia.com
27:09
and uh yeah so go do that and uh we will
27:12
see you tomorrow at 8 pm and where we’re
27:15
going
27:16
we don’t need roads
27:25
[Music]
27:42
you